10 years of facebook posts about the battles, sorry I mean delights, of raising 2 boys…

24 Nov 2010 (age 1 & 2)
Andrew’s lesson for today: don’t use Robert’s potty as a hat when you don’t like getting your hair shampooed.

6 July 2011 (age 2 & 3)
A bit of muffin caught in Andrew’s throat in Starbucks causing projectile vomiting that would have got him a part in the Exorcist. Robert used this distraction as an opportunity to try to get into the lift by himself, while I raced across the coffee shop to grab him, shrieking ‘noooooo’, Andrew under one arm dripping regurgitated milk everywhere. Much staring from other customers. Don’t think we’ll venture back for quite some time.

25 May 2012 (ages 3 & 4)
Andrew has broken Robert’s lentil shaker, and there are lentils strewn all around the house. Robert and I are both crying about it, but for different reasons.

26 July 2013 (ages 4 & 5)
It’s a rare occurrence, but I decided to paint my nails in the sunshine in the garden while the children played. In the ten minutes in which I warned R and A that I was unavailable due to drying time (ten minutes, that’s all), they both hurt themselves dragging their bikes out of the shed, had a fight over one of the bikes, then A fell in a puddle, cried for dry trousers, then cried because I said he’d have to get them himself, then cried because he couldn’t get them on, or his shoes, then because R had nicked his bike. Then R fell off his bike and started crying. Then A pooped and needed a wiper. Ruined nails. Waste of time. Plus I got a nasty look from someone walking past our fence as I told my wailing child who was sprawled on the ground that I couldn’t help them as my nails were drying.

8 November 2014 (ages 5 & 6)
Watching my child misbehaving at swimming lessons – trying to catch their eye and transmit my fury across the pool. It’s not working. I’m so glad I’m not a swimming instructor! Afterwards the child’s explanation was: ‘I wanted to behave but there wasn’t enough time.’

12 April 2015 (ages 6 & 7)
Sometimes things work out exactly as you anticipated. Your expectations are met in their entirety. There have been 2 bottles of juice left in the fridge for some time, one larger than the other, and I have not offered them for fear of fighting. How ridiculous, I thought this morning, and took them for after swimming. But, as I anticipated and expected, an enormous squabble broke out over who would get the larger bottle. Then, when I lost my rag and ranted somewhat about the importance of being polite and reasonable, an even bigger fight started over who would take the smaller bottle. The final solution involved me drinking some of the juice from the larger bottle to ensure both of them had equal amounts of juice, and not a millilitre more or less than the other. FFS.

2 May 2016 (ages 7 & 8)
Andrew thought I was telling him that a secret agent was reading my book. No, son, a LITERARY agent! A little agent? No, a literary… actually never mind. Yes, a secret agent.

26 May 2017 (ages 8 & 9)
Pre-school negotiations that leave me feeling drained before the day has even properly started…
Can’t decide which book to take (the one you’re reading atm?)
Socks that ‘don’t feel right’ (they’re the same ones you wear every day)
Doesn’t want to wear sun cream that’s blue (it’s not blue when it’s on you)
There’s a bit of mud at the bottom of his trousers (a small quantity of mud is no reason IMHO to require a fresh pair, there has to be at least 33% mud coverage before I will change ’em)
Can’t find the fidget spinner (FFS)
Wants to know what’s in packed lunch (no, because you’ll complain about it and I’m not changing it, you’ll just have to enjoy the surprise at lunchtime)
Announces he’s going to a friend’s house after school as he leaves the house at 8.55 (Hang on…!)
It’s now 9am, they are gone, and I am breathing a sigh of relief…

16 June 2018 (ages 9 & 10)
Child: did you know you can {insert random Fortnite fact}?
Me, interrupting: remember I said you weren’t allowed to talk about games today?
Child: can I talk about chess?
Me: ok then
Child: but chess is a game
Me: it’s not electronic
Child: so you’re saying you don’t like electricity?
Me: no, that’s not what I mea-
Child: and chess is electronic. I got it from the app store
Me: so then we aren’t going to talk about that either.
Child: what about sumdog? That’s educational, we play it at school, can I talk about that?
Me: no.
Child: PowerPoint?
Me: *sigh* ok then, what do you what to say about PowerPoint?
Child: I made some slides about Fortnite

2 February 2019 (ages 10 & 11)
When your kids are supposed to be getting dressed because we’re going to be late for swimming lessons, and they’re not allowed to bounce on the new beds, and you can hear them bouncing and not getting dressed, then there’s a massive crash and one of them starts crying and you think, good I hope that hurt!

22 April 2019 (ages 10 & 11)
Child: mum, what’s a dildo?
Me: *explains what it is*
Child, covering ears in horror: I’m only ELEVEN! How can you tell me something like that?
If you’re gonna ask…

And on we go into puberty…

(Bonus points if you’ve got this far and realised it was actually 11 posts, couldn’t resist adding that last one)

And if you are still here and interested in my books, they are both available here: https://amzn.to/2LcBLyL

SPECIAL OFFER 9-16 JULY 2019 – EBOOKS ONLY 99P!